3.11.2004

Evening
Juan Ramon Jimenez

At the pier now in the red and opal evening,
In the weeping wind of this evening,
By turns warm and cool,
The black ship is waiting.

Tonight we will still turn to
What is already nothing—
To where all is being left behind
Without us—
Disloyal to what is ours.
And the black ship is waiting—

We say: everything is ready!
And our eyes turn sadly back
Seeking something we do not know which is no more with us,
Something we have not seen,
Which has not been ours,
But is ours because it might have been!
Good-by! Good-by! Good-by! To everywhere, though we have not yet gone.
And, not wanting to, are almost going!

All is left behind with its life,
Left behind without ours.
Good-by from tomorrow—now we are homeless—
To you and in you, unknown to you, to myself even,
To you who never reached me, even though you were running,
To you whom I never reached, even though I hurried—
How sad the space between us!

...And, seated, we weep, still without going,
And, already far away, we weep with eyes
Against the wind and sun which are struggling crazily.


Huling mga buwan ng fourth year college, paulit-ulit kong binabasa iyang tula na iyan. Inilagay ko pa nga sa cork board sa lumang pubroom. Kuhang kuha kasi ng tula ang pakiramdam ng isang magtatapos. Lalo na kapag nasagutan na ang final exam at wala ka nang gagawin at hintayin na lang ang oras at graduation. Araw-araw pumapasok ka pa rin para tumambay kasi alam mong huling pagkakataon mo na ito. Hindi ka pa man handang umalis, pakiramdam mo pinapaalis ka na. Sa mga huling araw na iyon, andaming biglang dapat gawin o sana'y ginawa mo. Naalala ko kami, mga Heightsers ng batch namin, huling hirit na nilakad ang kahabaan ng Eagle's Park at tinawid ang Katipunan at pinuntahan ang McDo para bumili ng kape, at para humiga sa gitna ng Katipunan. Si Mia yata iyon at ako, humilata sa kahabaan ng Katipunan, lapat na lapat ang likod sa sementadong kalsada. Unang naramdaman ko, hindi panganib, kundi pagkagulat. Mainit pala sa likod ang Katipunan at hindi kasing lamig ng semento ng dingding ng Colayco.

Mahilig ako magbalik-tanaw. Kahit hindi hinihingi ng panahon. Lagi ko inaalala ang nakaraan. Hindi lang ang oras na ginugol sa Ateneo kundi yung mas nauna pa—ang high school, apartment, kabataan sa Pampanga. Melancholia. Kung papatimbangin nga sa akin ang tatlo (nakaraan, ngayon at bukas) mas binibigyan ko ng bigat ang nakaraan.

Ngunit dati iyan. Ngayon natututunan ko nang pabayaan ang nakalipas at huwag halukayin ang nabaon na. Alalahin paminsan-minsan ngunit hindi pilit balikan, tigilan ang panghihinayang at harapin ang bukas. Natututunan ko nang pahalagahan ang darating. Nasasaisip ko na rin ang bukas. Senyales ng pagtanda? Marahil. Mas magiging mabuti ba akong tao? Malalaman natin. Makakabuti ba? Sana naman.

Napagod na ako sa melancholia. Nakakapagod na laging mabigat ang damdamin. Kahit na, marahil, lumipas na ang pinakamasasayang araw ko. Oras na para buksan ang bintana, pintuan at lahat-lahat ng kalooban at pahingahin. Antabayan ang paparating, kung ano man iyon, kahit ano man iyon.


X
from Intimations of Immortality
William Wordsworth

Then sing, ye Birds, sing, sing a joyous song!
    And let the young Lambs bound
    As to the tabor's sound!
We in thought will join your throng,
    Ye that pipe and ye that play,
    Ye that through your hearts to-day
    Feel the gladness of the May!
What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
    Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
    We will grieve not, rather find
    Strength in what remains behind;
    In the primal sympathy
    Which having been must ever be;
    In the soothing thoughts that spring
    Out of human suffering;
    In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind.

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Ernan at 1:44 PM

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